I love the Lord, and I trust him in this. Intrinsically, deeply, and entirely. My God is trustworthy, and just, and his right hand is mighty to save. My infertility doesn't change that - my ability or inability to reproduce doesn't mean God is any more or less faithful. He is faithful, period. It is about His character, and not about my circumstances!
Still, it's hard living this way. It is hard living with this grief. It is always fresh, always new; there is no closure, and no healing. It is like being stuck in a cruel repeating loop, but instead of reliving the same day over and over again for eternity, it's like I'm mourning the same death over and over again, once every twenty-eight days, like it's the first time.
This week has been especially hard. I took a (negative) pregnancy test Wednesday, and on Friday I found out my 19 year old sister is pregnant & was hours away from an abortion before my mom talked her out of it (even though she knew I would adopt the baby if she didn't want it!). And, of course, this Sunday is mother's day.
This thing with my sister has hit me particularly hard. It is bringing up all these questions: Why would God give her the thing I want most, even if she was just going to throw it away? And why would she rather kill her baby then let me raise it? And why doesn't anyone want me to have a kid? I know this is illogical, but emotions are seldom logical, right? Truth is, I feel so vulnerable, and so unloved. I already feel like a bad mom, and I don't even have kids yet! In my weakest moments it is very hard not to get down on myself, but I am convinced that God is just and faithful, and that I will never be desolate.
I want to say that again: Even if I never have children, I will never be desolate! Why? Because I have Christ! I will never be deserted.
Kids do not equal blessing; God equals blessing. God gives children as blessings, but they are hardly the only blessing God has for us! I will be satisfied in Him, regardless if this longing in me is fulfilled. He has promised wholeness and satisfaction in Him, and I believe Him. He has said that those who hunger & thirst after righteousness will be filled (Mt 5:6). He has promised that His grace is sufficient (2 Cor 12:9). My God is a God of miracles, and even if the miracle isn't a baby, there is still the miracle of Him healing my broken heart, and the miracle of my salvation, and the miracle of the way He can take this Valley of Tears and make it a place of springs (Ps 84:6).
Yes, this is hard. But yes, my God is still in control. And yes, I still trust in Him!! He has a plan for us, something that is so much bigger and better than anything we could hope or imagine!! (Eph 3:20) I pray that I can wait faithfully for it, watching and expecting my Lord to show up. Come, Lord Jesus. Come...